sometimes, feeling get the best of me.

and when that happens, i like to be able to reach out esily and find people to help me and understand when i'm feeling down.

most of my friends ask me if i'm okay when im perfectly fine and graze over when i really am hurting. it hurts to admit becasue i love them, but soemtimes this world can make you feel really alone. i think it's what made me plunge so far into depressing in first year and back again this summer for a couple days.

right now, i am not depressed. i am upset. i am confused. i am searching for more in my life. i am trying to get to a place where i feel safe. camp this year just did not do that for me. the reunion is really soon and i don't even have a place to stay.

first year at camp for me i made friends with all the older people, they were all expirenced and i did great work. this year, i came back, everyone was new, i still did good work but now that my co's (mostly in second session) were older than me, i was expected to dumb it down becasue i was (and always am) the baby.

i have YEARS of expirence in my pockets. i have been working with kids since I myself was a kid. when i was as young as 8, i was working with kids in wheel chairs, learning sign language so i could interact with them. i continued this for years, i took on adult responsiblities after school with the kids so that i could help in any way i could.

by the time i was in highschool, i spent my hours volunteering, teaching kids to swim and do synchro. by the time i was 15 i began to work with kids with austism and taught a little girl to swim who had severe autisum. i worked in a grade nine drama class, i taught kids older than me enlgish with behavioural disabilities and learning disabilities. i had a class for 3 kids who had learning disabilites to swim. i never had a problem, it came naturally.

i have never wanted recognition for my work. i do it because it's what i'm meant to be doing.

but when i know im good at something, i won't let anything stop me. if i'm good, i'm going to do that job well, i won't slack becasue i'm 20 and the others are 27 and should know much more than me. unless you have done work in this feild for those extra 7 years, don't expect to know more. i don't care how old i am.

this is why i have to leave camp. i am going on 21 and i was not taken seriously all camp. espically as a returner. i was placed with all newbies this year and i was just totally brought down. everyone complained i talked down to them, and my supervisor who has worked with me 3 times, knew this wasn't the case. i told him i couldn't change for them, i was doing my job and im damn good at it. they know that.

i'm scared. everytime i apply for a job, i am afraid i don't know what i'm doing. school means everything, and since im just in drama, i have to prove myself with work background in order to be taken seriously anywhere. so i do that. but i have to be respected.

i guess that rant just came out of no where, since i was crying all night about feeling alone and no one really understanding. but thats all true. thats making me feel beter. i can't work in a place that doesn't take me seriously, or knows im talented and tries to make me bring myself down so others can try to act older than me. it's not about that. ITS ABOUT THE KIDS.

i think i'll go to the reunion, see the kids i love, say goodbye to a job that will look amazing on my resume. then make some money.

i move in 2 years. i need cash!

love you aaaaall. sorry about this. i didn`t expect it!